


a fleck on porcelain skin

by theweightofus



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cancer, F/M, M/M, Minor Character Death, bookshop au, but it's not explicit, happy ending btw, i can't write happy fics, liam's there but not a lot, sad!zayn, seriously everything i write is sad, sheila had cancer btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-07 07:39:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1117273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweightofus/pseuds/theweightofus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“i never…” he knows what the man is trying to do, he knows how this would end, so he interrupts him. “listen” he says, tapping on the cigarette to let the ash fall “i know what you’re trying to do, but this won’t go anywhere. i don’t want to be friend with you. you wouldn’t like me. stop this shit now that you can. it’s not worth the effort”.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>he looks at him with a weird expression, that zayn can’t read, and then— “come home with me”.</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>au. zayn smokes a lot to burn the memory of her into his lungs. niall talks in his sleep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a fleck on porcelain skin

**Author's Note:**

> hello! soooo this is my first ziall work i post (and finish tbh) and this was actually originally a harry/louis fic, but that it just didn't work and i saw a picture and everything kinda melted together. the story with sheila was inspired by the whole album "hospice" by the antlers, which is one of my favorite albums of all the time.  
> as always, i'm sorry because english isn't my first language soooo i tend to make a lot of mistakes but this time i asked emma to edit, so thank you emma! and okay i hope you enjoy this! let me know what you think. :)

zayn smokes.

zayn smokes a lot, and especially cigarettes, and his mother keeps telling him that it’s unhealthy, and harry always shakes his head when he starts smoking his second fag, but zayn can’t really help it. louis always looks at him with that weird expression, and zayn knows his best friend would never admit it, but he’s worried.

he’s worried when zayn refuses to go out, and he’s worried when he sees him staring at the ceiling, and he’s worried when zayn gasps if there’s a knock at the door and zayn isn’t waiting for anyone. and zayn doesn’t want louis to worry—he doesn’t want anyone to worry. but he knows that they love him, even if he treated them like shit last year, and they just want him to be happy. it’s not that simple, though.

so he smokes. he smokes on balconies, he smokes at parties, he smokes with louis and harry, when he’s relaxed and when he’s nervous, at work and at parks.

he smokes to forget her—to burn the memory of her in his lungs. he doesn’t want to die, not exactly—he’s been too near to death before—but he doesn’t want to remember anymore. he doesn’t want anyone to worry. people have already worried too much.

*

“those can kill you, you know”

he’s at a party at somebody’s flat, or, better, he’s on the balcony of somebody’s flat, while there’s a party inside.

he’s silently staring at london’s light, when suddenly someone tells him “those can kill you, you know” and he doesn’t reply, doesn’t want to.

the person gets nearer, while zayn is keeping his gaze still.

“they’re addictive. and they make your lungs ugly” the person— a boy —says, and zayn sighs. “anything can kill you” he replies, finally turning his head to see who wants to speak with him.

“don’t worry about me” he says, looking at the boy. he’s not even a boy, he’s a man, he must be at least twenty, and he’s watching him softly. it’s something zayn is not used to anymore, someone looking at him like that. sheila was always angry at him, and screaming, then apologizing, and then screaming again, telling him to go away, that she didn’t need him.

of course she needed him. that’s why zayn had never left.

“i never…” he knows what the man is trying to do, he knows how this would end, so he interrupts him. “listen” he says, tapping on the cigarette to let the ash fall “i know what you’re trying to do, but this won’t go anywhere. i don’t want to be friend with you. you wouldn’t like me. stop this shit now that you can. it’s not worth the effort”.

he looks at him with a weird expression, that zayn can’t read, and then— “come home with me”.

*

his name is niall and he was born in ireland.

zayn likes to leave love bites on his pale skin, and he tastes of beer and alcohol, and something he has never known before. he moans zayn’s name when the other man is inside him, and leaves a soft bruise on zayn’s back. they lay lazily on their back, after that, and niall puts a hand around his waist. zayn wants to go away, but he decides to rest a little, with his head on niall’s chest.

*

when he wakes up, it’s because of niall’s voice.

he suddenly thinks _shit, shit, shit_ , because something he has never done is waking up after the one he has slept with. he relaxes, when he notices that niall hasn’t woken up yet, and he’s just sleeptalking. he finds himself listening to his soft voice, and what he gets is that someone named liam should have brought niall some mcdonald’s food.

then, he gets dressed and leaves.

*

he’s at the bookshop, when louis comes in and says “we didn’t fucking know where you were, you fucker”

“do you talk like that with your students, louis?” he asks, not bothering to look at him.

“i manage not to” louis replies. “seriously, where did you go?”

“i just left” zayn says, shrugging. it’s the truth, after all.

louis must know that there’s something else— louis always knows. he doesn’t ask anything else, though, and zayn is grateful for that.

“i should stop going to these parties of harry’s friends, i’m too old” louis says. “you’re 22, louis” zayn replies, sighing.

then, louis starts talking about harry’s birthday gift and zayn wants to tell him that he doesn’t really care, but he likes listening to louis talk; that means he doesn’t have to say anything.

meanwhile, he can’t not think about niall’s fingers on his back, and his heavy breathing while zayn was thrusting inside him

*

there’s a little girl who comes to the shop every friday, and always buys one book with the money her mom gives her. her name is suzie and she always wears something yellow and zayn likes her, really. she makes him feel happier— less sad, at least.

today it’s too early for suzie to arrive, and zayn is quietly reading some book he chose this morning, when he hears the door opening.

he turns his head up, and he finds blue eyes and a bright smile. he instantly knows who those belong to.

“zayn!” niall exclaims, happily. he’s exactly like zayn remembers him, and he’s smiling excited, and zayn can’t not think that he looks like sunshine.

if niall was someone else, zayn would probably pretend not to remember about him. he would probably apologize and wait for the other’s embarrassment go away, and then he would help him. but niall’s obviously not ‘someone else’, so “niall” zayn says, looking at the boy.

“i didn’t know you worked here!”

“i’m the owner, actually. how can i help you?”

niall doesn’t answer his question; instead, he seems completely excited about the news. he opens his mouth slightly and seems to think what to say; eventually, he tells zayn:

“you left”.

zayn really wants to tell him something that could fix this. he really wants to say “yeah, it was only meaningless sex, wasn’t it?” and he would, if niall wasn’t niall, but he still feels his nails on his own back, and the other man’s “zayn”’s while they were coming.

“i’m sorry” he says.

*

one of zayn’s worst memories about sheila, is the apologizes.

there were days when she looked completely sad. not that she didn’t everyday, but some times it seemed that all she could do was hating herself. zayn remembers her grip at his wrist and the way she apologized. at time, he thought she wanted to say sorry for their arguments; now that he thinks about it, he knows it was something else she was sorry for, something bigger and sadder. she didn’t apologize for what she had said— she apologized for being alive.

*

niall shakes his head. “you don’t have to apologize”. then he smiles. “i need a book, by the way. i give guitar lessons to kids some times, and i need some simple book about learning to play guitar”.

zayn nods and says “follow me” and starts walking through the shelves, until he finds the books he was looking for. he gives some to niall and niall chooses one.

he pays and then tells zayn “thanks”. zayn shrugs “it’s my job”. niall shakes his head. “no, i mean, thanks for last night”.

zayn stares at him. “uh. you’re welcome”. niall laughs. his laugh fills the room, zayn thinks, listening to it, tasting it on his tongue.

there’s a pen on the counter. niall takes it and then he grabs zayn’s arm. he writes on it a series of numbers. “call me, if you want” he says, and smiles again. “i would love to see you again”.

then he goes away.

*

zayn saves niall’s number on his phone, before washing it away from his arm.

*

niall comes back almost every day after that, and some times he buys a book, some times he doesn’t. he just stands there, elbows on the counter and a contagious smile, and he tells zayn about the last exams he must give to graduate, and how he wants to be a teacher, and the way he looks at him is special, zayn thinks.

one day louis and harry meet niall and louis raises an eyebrow looking at zayn.

“so, how do you know zayn?” he asks.

“we met at a party, like one week ago” niall replies, smiling.

louis nods. “oh, cool.”

“louis” zayn says, shaking his head.

“what?” louis smiles. “wouldn you like to go out with us, this evening?”

“when did we decide to go out today, louis?” zayn asks and harry sighs.

“now” louis replies. “so, niall?”

niall shrugs. “okay”.

*

niall is blue blue blue and zayn suddenly wants to go the seaside.

“i like the sea” he says, burying his face in niall’s neck and niall laughs, brightly. “me, too” he says.

“i like your eyes” zayn says. “and your laugh. and your smile” he kisses niall on the lips, a quick peck but it’s enough to make him shiver.

niall watches him, he’s a little tipsy, too.

“you’re drunk” he says, caressing his cheek.

zayn laughs and nods. he’s drunk, he knows, but he’s happy.

he kisses niall again, and then says “i like you”.

*

“don’t go” niall says, caressing zayn’s hair.

zayn feels niall’s chest moving, silently listening to their breaths filling the room.

“what if i do?” zayn asks.

niall is silent for a moment. “i’ll be sad” he replies eventually.

zayn doesn’t go. he stays still, with his head on niall’s chest, and he wants to smoke but niall’s body is warm and comfortable. it feels like home, zayn thinks, while listening to niall’s sleeptalking. he hears a gentle “zayn” escaping from the irish man’s lips and he wants to go away, to leave niall, because he doesn’t deserve to be hurt, but something makes him stay here, his cigarettes long forgotten and niall’s voice in his ear.

*

“he’s lovely”

“louis” zayn warns him, glaring at his best friend who’s sipping his coffe, unbothered by the other man’s looks.

“zayn” he says, sighing and looking at him. “you deserve to be happy. it’s been a year now, and i know it’s not fucking easy, but you’re ruining yourself”.

zayn shakes his head. “you don’t get it”.

“maybe i don’t, but i can imagine. you’ve poured all your love to her that you can’t even manage to love yourself in the right way”.

he doesn’t say anything else, but they both know it’s true.

*

he sleeps with niall nearly every night. he listens to be the man talking in his sleep and he falls asleep embraced in his arms. he meets liam, who watched him like it’s a new weird object, but he’s nice. niall kisses him with chapped lips and touches him with gentle hands and it’s completely different from what he’s used to. even if he knows niall can’t love him properly, because zayn is fucked up, it’s nice, having someone that makes you shiver and getting used to niall’s habit. he gets used to niall’s soft looks and the way he moans zayn’s name, and he doesn’t mind the bruised he leaves some times. it would be perfect, if it didn’t have to end.

*

once niall calls and zayn doesn’t pick up. he sends zayn a message, asking him if he wants to hang out that night, and zayn doesn’t reply.

he comes to the shop and zayn tells him he has to work.

it fucking hurts him, watching niall’s smile leave his face, but it’s the best for both of them, zayn knows it, and when niall asks him if everything’s alright, zayn just shrugs it off.

*

he does the same every day, and he desperately wants to tell niall everything, to kiss him and apologize, and hugging him tightly, but he can’t. so he smokes. louis and harry both know there’s something wrong but don't ask, because they have probably realized already.

*

niall comes in one day, and louis is there.

“i just don’t understand why you keep avoiding me” he says. zayn sees the hurt look on his face and tries not to care about it, and about louis, who’s staring at them silently. “i just want to make you happy” he says “and if i’m not enough, it’s okay to just let me be with you. and it hurts me” zayn sees the man’s eyes filling with tears “that i’m not even worth an explanation. you’re leaving. and maybe you have a reason to do so, but i don’t know, because you have never told me. and that hurts more that anything else.”

zayn has his head down, doesn’t want to see him.

“i’m so sor…” he begins to reply, but niall interrupts him. “and don’t fucking apologize. it seems like it’s the only thing you can do”.

then, he walks out. zayn feels louis’ stare on him, and can’t manage to look up. he would see only disappointment and sadness, and he doesn’t need it, not right now.

eventually he looks up, but louis is gone.

*

the last days of sheila’s life—zayn remembers them clearly.

he remembers sheila’s apathetic looks, and how she never told him to go away, because she knew he wouldn’t.

most of all, he vividly remembers noticing the ring no longer on her finger, abandoned on the nightstand.

“why did you take it off?” he had asked.

sheila had shrugged. “i don’t need it anymore”.

*

niall comes back, when zayn thinks he has finally pushed him away.

he doesn’t say anything, only offers zayn a piece of paper, carefully folded on his palm.

zayn takes it and before he can see what’s inside, niall’s gone.

_you’re not ruined, just been hurt_

*

on the first day, niall gives him a cd.

it’s a mixtape with various song by different artist, and on the cover there’s something written in niall’s handwriting.

_songs that remind me of you._

*

on the second day, niall gives him flowers.

it’s cheeky and sweet and everything sheila’s always hated, but that’s the fact.

zayn is not sheila—he’s not her ghost or her reincarnation, he’s not a fucking copy and he certainly doesn’t want to be.

there’s a sweet man who knows zayn is scared and is trying to make him happy again, and it’s not about sheila, sheila is gone, sheila is in the past, and zayn is learning to realize that now.

*

on the third day, niall gives him a song.

he walks into the shop, looking around to see if there’s someone that’s not him and zayn, but the shop is usually empty at this time of the day.

he takes his guitar in his arms and starts playing, and zayn instantly recognizes the song.

_if there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, then i’ll follow you into the dark_

*

on the fourth day, niall gives him love.

he walks in the shop with a jar of glass in one hand. he puts it on the counter and zayn sees that it’s filled with post-it notes.

“open it”.

zayn does. he picks a note and looks at niall, who nods in approve.

 _you’re too beautiful to die_ reads the first one.

 _i really really want to sleep with you. just sleep_. says the second

all of them say something nice, like _i love your smell_ , _you remind me of beauty_ , or _i like the way you talk_.

there’s one who makes zayn’s eyes fill with tears.

_i want to memorize of all your flaws and make you forget of them with kisses._

*

the worst part about the day after the death, was truly realizing she had really gone.

zayn still gets scared, some nights, when he hears footsteps on the floor above.

the most difficult thing is getting used to the fact that she’s not here, and won’t anymore. it took zayn a lot of time to realize that she belongs to the past, and even if it was part of his life, and his silver ring is still in his flat, carefully held in a drawer he doesn’t open anymore, she’s not here. zayn doesn’t need to get hurt again, doesn’t need her apologizes, doesn’t need to scream “sheila get you head out of the oven” and certainly doesn’t need to be held by his ankles while he’s trying to go away.

*

on the fifth day, it’s zayn who gives niall something.

he texts him to ask him to go to the shop at six, and niall is here, at six, with a curious expression. “hey” he says.

zayn walks over the counter, smiles at him, and says “follow me”. they go outside the shop and zayn closes it, then they start walking without a word.

“where are we going?” niall asks. zayn just takes the blonde’s hand in his.

when they are finally there, zayn hears niall holding his breath.

they enter the cemetery slowly, still holding hands. zayn hasn’t been here since sheila’s death and it takes some time to find her grave. when he finally sees it, he stops, and niall does, too.

“this is sheila” zayn tells him.

niall looks at him and he realizes that niall understands. that he’s always knows.

*

zayn and sheila met when he had just opened the bookshop. he remembers the exact moment that sheila walked into the shop, with that black hair and the pale skin who reminded zayn of moonlight.

he remembers the day she found her on that hospital bed, the way she looked at him with that hurt expression.

“don’t look at me” she said “you make me feel alone”.

he remembers the day she came back from the hospital, all the meds she had to take and her tears when she refused to. he remembers telling her when to sleep, when to wake up, what to drink and what to eat, and the way she looked at him, with that expression full of despise.

he remembers when they got engaged, the last day he felt happy. he remembers her face and the tears glistening in her eyes, and how she held him the whole night, all the champagne she drank even if she shouldn’t have.

their story lasted less than two years, but it felt like an eternity. he shut out everyone, including his family, and the only people he still saw were harry and louis, who used to visit him in the bookshop some times.

one day the doctor came to him and said that sheila wouldn’t live for long. zayn remembers himself nodding, the ringing in his ears and how he couldn’t look sheila in the eyes, because, even if he used to, he didn’t love her anymore. he couldn’t keep doing this—pretending to be in love with someone who only hurt him.

he remembers the day of her funeral. it was only him, and he’s not even sure sheila wanted to be buried, but she never told him anything. he remembers louis’ hug after it, the tea harry made for him and the night that he spent at his best friend’s flat.

if he looks back, he realizes there had been something wrong all the time—the apologizes, the tears, the shouts, her suicide attempts, her nightmares at night. the difficult thing isn’t forgive. it’s forget.

*

“the problem with sheila” zayn says, sighing “was that she had been hurt so many times before, that she didn’t think anyone could ever love her. even her own body had refused her, and some times, i get it. and i’m trying not to hate her… but it’s not simple”.

he feels niall’s finger on his back. “zayn” he says, kissing his forehead. “i’m so sorry you had to go through everything alone. you deserve to be loved, and you deserve to forget and leave everything behind”. he kisses him again.

zayn wants to cry, and he does. he cries on niall’s should, and niall holds him. zayn feels every piece of himself break, but he’s not worried, because niall’s here.

*

later, while they’re both in niall’s bed and niall is listening to zayn telling him about his life, he feels something in his chest that is so close to love. and he wants to take it slow, now, to enjoy everything and get to know niall well, every day. he wants to offer his life to the blond man and not be scared anymore.

he knows it’s not easy, but niall’s here. and louis is here, harry is here, and he has called his mother to say he loves her, and he wants to love again, because he deserves it. he’s realized it now, but it’s okay. things take time.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> some notes at the end because i didn't want to spoil something: the song niall sings is "i will follow you into the dark" by death cab for cutie, and the whole days thing was a little inspired by the book "boy meets boy" by david levithan.  
> the title is almost completely from "your ex lover is dead" by stars.  
> also, i'm shit at writing endings. sorry.


End file.
